Why it's hard to let go of things we cannot change
...and other insights on discernment from author/teacher Eileen Flanagan
As Eileen Flanagan prepares for her October 9-11 workshop at Pendle Hill and the publication of her newest book, she reflects on their common theme, The Wisdom to Know the Difference, in an interview with Shirley Dodson.
How did you become interested in the topic of discernment?
I came to Pendle Hill as a resident student in 1992 in the midst of a career transition. I found myself among people of various faiths who were also seeking a spiritual way of making decisions in their lives. I became very interested in the question of how we distinguish leadings – what we are called to do – from whims or fancies.
What were some of the things you learned about that at Pendle Hill?
I learned the importance of silence and community, two common Quaker discernment tools. Meeting for worship every morning, walking the path, meeting with other people who could both challenge and support me—these were wonderful gifts that also showed me the importance of making time for silence and community when I left Pendle Hill and entered a more hectic phase of life.
What are some other experiences that have taught you about discernment and particularly "The Wisdom to Know the Difference" between what we can and cannot change?
We can learn these lessons through many kinds of experiences. For me, family has been a great training ground. I felt led to get married and then felt led to have children, but I couldn’t “make” either of those things happen on my own. I had to wait and trust. Caring for my mother during the last year of her life also taught me a lot about letting go.
Why do you think it's hard for many of us to let go of the things we cannot change?
Fear. Fear of losing control. Fear of the unknown. Particularly in our culture, we feel like we need to have everything figured out and organized. Much of my work is about helping people to live with more trust.
Is that one of the themes of your about-to-be-published book?
Absolutely. The Wisdom to Know the Difference explores the model of the Serenity Prayer – accepting the things we cannot change and finding the courage to change the things we can change. Fear can be an obstacle to either one. The book offers tools to help people develop discernment and the courage to follow their leadings. It is also full of stories of how other people – including Dan Gottleib, Hilary Beard, Michael Doyle, Joan Countryman, and others – have done this.
How does this relate to the workshop you’ll be offering at Pendle Hill in October?
The workshop will offer people some new tools and ideas, but also time and space to reflect on their own experiences with letting go and change. It goes back to those two gifts I first received when I was a Resident Program student at Pendle Hill – silence and community. There will be some presentation and a lot of time for small group sharing and individual reflection.
Further Reading
Eileen’s Pendle Hill pamphlet, God Raising Us: Parenting as a Spiritual Practice (PHP #396), explores discernment in parenting.